"Missing you comes in waves and tonight I'm drowning"
Last night I found myself sitting on a comfy couch, a broken-hearted friend on each arm and Ben Howard playing in the background. I don't know what comforting broken-hearted people did to me, but it made you come back into my head. It made that Monday night repeat in my head. It made the unfinished business rush back into my head. It made all the messages I've been pretending not to care about come back to me. It made me long for your amazing eyelashes, heart-melting looks, covered smiles, false singing and sparkly eyes rush back into my heart like some kind of crowd escaping the disaster of a bomb, and I think I was trying to run away from the I-miss-you-bomb before it exploded inside of me.
The reason we are what we are today is because we indeed are two teenagers looking to be filled but don't indeed know what fills us till we're truly filled. So we tried everything. We tried the dates, we tried the kisses, we tried the cute messages, we tried the couple pictures and we tried the late night phone calls. That did nothing for us, AT ALL. All it did was make us believe that we were filled, so we believed some kind of fantasy that we were in love, but I woke up from the dream we put ourselves in and reality hit one night. It woke me up like that falling feeling in your sleep and it felt like I was shouting in a dream and no one could hear me. I realised that me trying to convince myself that I'm filled when in fact I wasn't was only pushing me further away from figuring out exactly what is going to fill me up one day and I had to come to terms with the fact that it might not exactly be with the person I was 100% sold on.
You caught me at a very vaunrable time. You said all the right things and I can see you meant it. Yes, you might have said everything I've ever been told before but the difference was, I was hearing the poetry from Shakespeare himself and not from some needy english teacher wanting to be Shakespeare. I don't know what it was about you. You made sleepness nights so easy. You made insecurity invisible. You looked at me with such pure eyes as if I had no faults at all but at the same time kissed my scars. We never really fought. We saw it as one another wanting to better the other and it got frustrating because the potential we saw in each other just wasn't been seen by the other.
I've actually run out of ways to convince myself that I don't miss you and that this happened for a reason. that I'm gonna be such a better person when I'm over this.
but I cant face the fact that it's you
it's always going to be you babe
i miss you.
Friday, 25 March 2016
life's is a bitch
have you ever had one of those moment when you're just like "i'm not going to say anything anymore. ever ever ever!!!!!" well, that's basically my life right now.
i'm one of those people who can express their feelings to anyone and then regret it the minute the vicious words pour out of my mouth. yes i know i know everyone has told me "think before you speak" but honestly how can i even do that when you're i'm in the zone of pouring my feelings out. i don't know.. is it just me?
i don't trust anyone. well anymore shall i say. THERE, i said it. yes, it is quite a harsh thing to say but i've had it come back and bitch slap in the face so many times before. where you know the truth about the rumour but you ask the person just to check what they are going to say. and what happens they LIE. LIES LIES LIES!!! fvck i hate them. it's a girl thing, i know. we ask people questions even though we know the answers. but i know i do it because im scared of lies, i feel like an idiot when i believe a lie so what do i do, quadruple check a statement so i don't look like a idiot. ( now that i'm typing this out i realise what a pshyco i actually am)
so you may ask yourself what happens when i let my gaurd down. well... let me tell you a story.
i could be speaking to a guy and all these things he is telling me are just too good i would just want to marry him right there and then well.... i used to believe all those things he told me till we went out one night and he asked me to check something on is phone and i saw it. "Its like that thing called belief reached out the phone and slapped me. he was saying the same thing the to other girls. it was right there infront of my eyes. what a dick.
i'm one of those people who can express their feelings to anyone and then regret it the minute the vicious words pour out of my mouth. yes i know i know everyone has told me "think before you speak" but honestly how can i even do that when you're i'm in the zone of pouring my feelings out. i don't know.. is it just me?
i don't trust anyone. well anymore shall i say. THERE, i said it. yes, it is quite a harsh thing to say but i've had it come back and bitch slap in the face so many times before. where you know the truth about the rumour but you ask the person just to check what they are going to say. and what happens they LIE. LIES LIES LIES!!! fvck i hate them. it's a girl thing, i know. we ask people questions even though we know the answers. but i know i do it because im scared of lies, i feel like an idiot when i believe a lie so what do i do, quadruple check a statement so i don't look like a idiot. ( now that i'm typing this out i realise what a pshyco i actually am)
so you may ask yourself what happens when i let my gaurd down. well... let me tell you a story.
i could be speaking to a guy and all these things he is telling me are just too good i would just want to marry him right there and then well.... i used to believe all those things he told me till we went out one night and he asked me to check something on is phone and i saw it. "Its like that thing called belief reached out the phone and slapped me. he was saying the same thing the to other girls. it was right there infront of my eyes. what a dick.
Wednesday, 21 January 2015
life's getting tough and i feel like i have no support
" it's called though love" everyone says. "it will make you a better person in the end" they said. well now i just feel like i need someone to rant to and them to agree with everything i say. i don't need a "look on the better side" or "it's all about the growing up."
2015, properly started for me today with a RUDE awakening. i feel like my parents have dropped me off at the "time to grow up" station 2 years early with no money and food ( no exaggeration). i'd still like to come home and talk about my feelings and feel good after i've got it off my chest but NO i don't even feel like i want to anymore because now when i do i get that "can you just get out of my face i don't want to talk to you" look.
yes i'm going through a lot of changes in my life at the moment and i can't stop it, life does go on! no i don't want someone to hold my hand through every single step just in case you were asking. i just need to know that there are people out there waiting for me to fall just to catch me.
i'm trying to find my feet in world. sometimes i need help sometimes i just need someone to complain with. simple.
“It's about a girl who is on the cusp of becoming someone.. A girl who may not know what she wants right now, and she may not know who she is right now, but who deserves the chance to find out.” - Jodi Picoult
2015, properly started for me today with a RUDE awakening. i feel like my parents have dropped me off at the "time to grow up" station 2 years early with no money and food ( no exaggeration). i'd still like to come home and talk about my feelings and feel good after i've got it off my chest but NO i don't even feel like i want to anymore because now when i do i get that "can you just get out of my face i don't want to talk to you" look.
yes i'm going through a lot of changes in my life at the moment and i can't stop it, life does go on! no i don't want someone to hold my hand through every single step just in case you were asking. i just need to know that there are people out there waiting for me to fall just to catch me.
i'm trying to find my feet in world. sometimes i need help sometimes i just need someone to complain with. simple.
“It's about a girl who is on the cusp of becoming someone.. A girl who may not know what she wants right now, and she may not know who she is right now, but who deserves the chance to find out.” - Jodi Picoult
Sunday, 16 November 2014
i need a friend... no judgement attacthed.
"In our lives we give up so much for friendship until one day it comes back and slaps us in the face"
How much have you given up for friendship?? i know i have.. A LOT. I gave up moving to the most magical place ever for one main reason that i couldn't face leaving my "best friend" behind. Even the smaller things count; staying behind with her while the rest of the group have the time of their lives because she wasn't feeling well, never mind that it's my life too. Buying her little chocolates and things that would make her happy in the hope that one day when i need to be lifted up she will gladly do it for me. I didn't have to buy her things, i could have bought me the chocolate and all the gifts, i would've been happier but i decided to give up my happiness for her.
Lets go back. Every weekend we'd be talking non-stop on the phone even though we see each other every day at school. we'd always make plans with each other and not care if no one else would come because all that mattered was that we were together. Me being self-conscious braced it and went to the beach because she wanted to, you see again, giving up something to make other people happy. We'd made a pact that every party we'd sleep at each other's house and get ready together. i thought i finally found the friend i'd needed all along.
A few weeks ago it all changed. i'd walk into class so excited to see her after a weekend and all i'd get was a shoulder shrug and a smile that looked like it was too much effort to even try and look excited to see me. Break times turned to how-long-could-i-hold-my-tears-in-times. Why? because it would always be a competition with other people in the group to get her attention just to ask how she was doing. She'd always make jokes so other people could laugh. when i looked at her during this time i could see her brain working over time thinking of things to say to get other people to give her the attention.
A few days ago. Like normal, Fridays after school were movie day. we went in a group of 5. there was just something not right. I felt like i just shouldn't have been there, I felt like i was spoiling her moment to prove to all the others that she was the ultimate..SHE'D NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE. I don't know what it is with people these days but all they seem to care about is how much attention they can get from other people.
Yesterday. this was the day were i felt that feeling. There was nothing i could do about it.That feeling that cant be fixed. That feeling of being replaced. I sat down at break and was about to open my mouth to ask how she was doing until i saw it. I saw her laughing with the other person like we did.
I saw that attachment like i had with her. I felt all of my emotions pour out of my eyes almost like i was stripped naked of " the best friend clothes" and had to hand it over to other person. Most of all i felt like i could never smile again, well at least not like a girl with a best friend does.
How much have you given up for friendship?? i know i have.. A LOT. I gave up moving to the most magical place ever for one main reason that i couldn't face leaving my "best friend" behind. Even the smaller things count; staying behind with her while the rest of the group have the time of their lives because she wasn't feeling well, never mind that it's my life too. Buying her little chocolates and things that would make her happy in the hope that one day when i need to be lifted up she will gladly do it for me. I didn't have to buy her things, i could have bought me the chocolate and all the gifts, i would've been happier but i decided to give up my happiness for her.
Lets go back. Every weekend we'd be talking non-stop on the phone even though we see each other every day at school. we'd always make plans with each other and not care if no one else would come because all that mattered was that we were together. Me being self-conscious braced it and went to the beach because she wanted to, you see again, giving up something to make other people happy. We'd made a pact that every party we'd sleep at each other's house and get ready together. i thought i finally found the friend i'd needed all along.
A few weeks ago it all changed. i'd walk into class so excited to see her after a weekend and all i'd get was a shoulder shrug and a smile that looked like it was too much effort to even try and look excited to see me. Break times turned to how-long-could-i-hold-my-tears-in-times. Why? because it would always be a competition with other people in the group to get her attention just to ask how she was doing. She'd always make jokes so other people could laugh. when i looked at her during this time i could see her brain working over time thinking of things to say to get other people to give her the attention.
A few days ago. Like normal, Fridays after school were movie day. we went in a group of 5. there was just something not right. I felt like i just shouldn't have been there, I felt like i was spoiling her moment to prove to all the others that she was the ultimate..SHE'D NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE. I don't know what it is with people these days but all they seem to care about is how much attention they can get from other people.
Yesterday. this was the day were i felt that feeling. There was nothing i could do about it.That feeling that cant be fixed. That feeling of being replaced. I sat down at break and was about to open my mouth to ask how she was doing until i saw it. I saw her laughing with the other person like we did.
I saw that attachment like i had with her. I felt all of my emotions pour out of my eyes almost like i was stripped naked of " the best friend clothes" and had to hand it over to other person. Most of all i felt like i could never smile again, well at least not like a girl with a best friend does.
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